50 Clean Jokes for Church
Wholesome, clean jokes to read at church, Bible study or the potluck.
Clean, kind and genuinely funny, these jokes are safe for the church bulletin, the pulpit warm-up or the Wednesday night potluck.
Grace and the family table (11)
Gentle jokes about saying grace, church visits and second helpings of pie.
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At our house, we say grace before every meal.
When I cook, we say it again afterward.
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Uncle Ray said grace before Thanksgiving dinner for eleven straight minutes.
By “amen,” the gravy had grown a skin.
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The dealer swore the car’s only owner was a sweet old lady who just drove it to church.
Judging by the odometer, she went to church on the moon.
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My boss caught me napping at my desk.
I slowly lifted my head and said, “…in Jesus’ name, amen.”
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We went around the table saying what we’re thankful for.
Grandpa said, “Elastic waistbands,” and nobody could top it.
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I asked Grandma for a small slice of pie.
She took that personally and cut me a quarter.
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I told everyone I’d just have a sliver of each pie.
Turns out eight slivers is a whole pie with extra steps.
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Leftovers in our fridge go through three stages. Stage one: delicious. Stage two: questionable.
Stage three: “Have Dad smell it.”
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My aunt’s famous fruitcake doesn’t have an expiration date.
It has a half-life.
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I found a great recipe that only needs five ingredients.
I had three of them. One was water.
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I found a meatloaf recipe with 3,000 five-star reviews.
Top review: “Five stars! Didn’t have beef or breadcrumbs, so I made tacos.”
Wholesome wordplay (26)
Clean puns and groaners that work for any church group.
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Some jerk broke into my house and stole my thesaurus.
I’m speechless. Stunned. Flabbergasted. Dumbfounded. Lost for words.
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I just finished writing a book on reverse psychology.
Whatever you do, don’t buy it.
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Two fish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other.
“Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?”
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I spent all morning trying to catch the fog rolling in.
Mist.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
I’ll let you know which comes first.
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Someone stole my mood ring right off my finger.
I’m still not sure how I feel about it.
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I’ve started a campaign to get more people eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
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I used to run a dating service for chickens.
But I just couldn’t make hens meet.
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I can’t stand Russian nesting dolls.
They’re so full of themselves.
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I’d tell you a joke about chemistry, but I won’t.
All the good ones argon.
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I told my contractor I didn’t want carpet on the stairs.
He gave me a blank stare.
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I’m writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes.
It’s only a rough draft.
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I told my wife I was building a car entirely out of spaghetti.
You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
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My wife asked me to please stop doing my flamingo impression.
So I had to put my foot down.
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My kids asked me how you can tell when a regular joke has officially become a dad joke.
When it’s fully apparent.
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Somebody finally complimented my parking downtown. They even left a little note tucked under my windshield wiper.
It said, “Parking Fine.”
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Whenever I’m down, my buddy says, “Cheer up. It could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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I opened my wardrobe this morning and found a full-grown lion inside. I asked what he was doing in there.
He said, “Narnia business.”
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Ever wonder why seagulls only fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
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The man who invented the knock-knock joke finally got the recognition he deserved.
They gave him the No-bell Prize.
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I tried to organize a national hide-and-seek tournament.
Had to cancel. Good players are really hard to find.
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Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One asks the other what kind of music he’s into.
“I’m a big metal fan.”
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My wife says I’m condescending. In case you don’t know what that means…
…it means I talk down to people.
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I have a crippling fear of negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them.
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People ask how I stay so positive every single morning.
Honestly, the rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
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My buddy said he cracked Forrest Gump’s computer password on the first try.
It was 1Forrest1.
Everyday life, gently (13)
Clean, relatable jokes about neighbors, cooking and running errands.
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The diner’s sign said, “Breakfast Served Any Time.”
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
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I finally got rid of all my junk at a yard sale.
Then my neighbor had a yard sale, and I bought it all back.
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The recipe said, “Let the dough rest for one hour.”
Great idea. We both woke up at 9 p.m.
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I cracked open my fortune cookie after dinner.
It said, “Ignore previous cookie.”
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My neighbor came pounding on my door at two in the morning.
Luckily, I was still up practicing my drums.
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Ten friends promised to help me move this weekend.
On moving day, eleven of them had a family emergency.
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My neighbor has borrowed my lawn mower every Saturday for six years.
Yesterday he complained about the gas mileage.
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Our local buffet used to have a sign that said “All You Can Eat.”
Now it has an asterisk: “*Not you, Dennis.”
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I don’t bother setting a kitchen timer when I cook.
The smoke alarm lets everyone know when dinner’s ready.
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Autocorrect keeps changing my “On my way!” texts to “On my waffle!”
My friends have started showing up with syrup.
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My neighbor and I have chatted over the fence every day for eleven years.
I still don’t know his name. It’s far too late to ask.
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My neighbor mows his lawn in perfect diagonal stripes.
Mine’s mowed in a pattern experts call “a cry for help.”
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The mattress salesman told me to lie down on every bed and really take my time.
He woke me up at closing.