47 Clean Jokes for Adults That Are Actually Funny
Clean jokes for adults that are actually funny: safe for work, church groups and family dinners.
Clean doesn’t have to mean boring. Every joke here is safe to tell at work, at church or in front of your mother, and still funny enough to make a grown-up laugh out loud.
More specific lists
Clean jokes about food and cooking (10)
Diners, buffets and recipes that promise thirty minutes and lie.
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The diner’s sign said, “Breakfast Served Any Time.”
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
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I cracked open my fortune cookie after dinner.
It said, “Ignore previous cookie.”
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I don’t bother setting a kitchen timer when I cook.
The smoke alarm lets everyone know when dinner’s ready.
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I tried one of those “30-minute meal” recipes last night.
Two hours later, I ordered a 30-minute pizza.
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Our local buffet used to have a sign that said “All You Can Eat.”
Now it has an asterisk: “*Not you, Dennis.”
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The recipe said, “Let the dough rest for one hour.”
Great idea. We both woke up at 9 p.m.
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I found a meatloaf recipe with 3,000 five-star reviews.
Top review: “Five stars! Didn’t have beef or breadcrumbs, so I made tacos.”
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I bought a $300 chef’s knife to start taking my cooking seriously.
Now I cut myself with real precision.
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The fancy restaurant served my entrée: one scallop in the middle of a giant white plate.
I asked if they had it in an adult size.
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I burned the chicken last night.
So I called it “blackened” and charged everyone $28.
Shopping and money jokes (11)
For anyone who read 400 reviews before buying a nine-dollar spatula.
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I’m not saying I order too much online.
But my delivery driver just invited me to his wedding.
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The self-checkout screen asked if I’d like to add a 20% tip.
Sure. I’ll tip myself. I did all the work.
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Eggs have gotten so expensive at my grocery store.
The cashier asked if I wanted to put them on layaway.
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I finally hit my savings goal: $1,000 set aside for emergencies.
Then my car found out.
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I spent $1,200 on a fancy new grill.
The burgers taste exactly the same, but now I stand next to it nodding.
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I read 400 online reviews before buying a $9 spatula.
I put less research into buying my house.
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My savings account earned 14 cents in interest this year.
The bank charged me $12 to mail me the statement.
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The furniture store on Route 9 has had a going-out-of-business sale since 1994.
It’s the most successful failure in America.
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The mattress salesman told me to lie down on every bed and really take my time.
He woke me up at closing.
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Our contractor promised the kitchen remodel would take six weeks.
That was three years ago. Now he comes to Thanksgiving.
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The kid at the electronics store talked me into a $40 warranty on a $25 toaster.
It covers everything except making toast.
Clean jokes about technology (11)
Smart fridges, full phones and a printer that can smell fear.
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I bought one of those smart fridges that tracks everything I eat.
Now it locks itself at 9 p.m.
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I asked my smart speaker to tell me something funny.
It read me my bank balance.
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The website said my password needed at least eight characters and one capital.
So now it’s “SnowWhiteAndTheSevenDwarfsSacramento.”
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My printer worked perfectly for months.
Then I needed to print one thing. Printers can smell fear.
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They’ve been calling about my car’s extended warranty for years.
At this point, the calls have outlasted the car.
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The hotel proudly advertised free Wi-Fi.
For $14.99 more, it connects to the internet.
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Signing up for the streaming service took one click.
Canceling took a phone call, three surveys, and a notarized letter.
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My phone keeps warning me that my storage is full.
Four thousand photos, and most of them are where I parked.
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Autocorrect keeps changing my “On my way!” texts to “On my waffle!”
My friends have started showing up with syrup.
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I spent two hours on hold with my internet provider. The hold music was “Don’t Stop Believin’.”
Around minute ninety, I stopped.
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The cable company gave me a service window of 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.
That’s not a window. That’s a wall.
Travel, car and DMV jokes (8)
Lost luggage, rental counters and a DMV line that outlasts your address.
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At the airport, I asked the agent to send one bag to Denver and the other to Miami.
She said they couldn’t do that. I said, “You did last week.”
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I took a number at the DMV. The screen said “Now serving 14.” I was 702.
By the time they called me, I’d moved to another state.
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A state trooper pulled me over, walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors! I win!”
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The rental car agent asked if I wanted the extra insurance.
I said, “Have you ever seen me park?”
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The dealer swore the car’s only owner was a sweet old lady who just drove it to church.
Judging by the odometer, she went to church on the moon.
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The car salesman asked what it would take to get me to drive this car home today.
I said, “Free.” He still went to check with his manager.
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I asked the flight attendant for a pillow and a blanket.
She handed me one tiny napkin and said, “Pick one.”
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I set my GPS to avoid tolls.
Nine hours later, I’d saved $3.50 and could see Canada.
Neighbor and friend jokes (7)
The neighbor with your lawn mower and the friends who vanish on moving day.
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My neighbor came pounding on my door at two in the morning.
Luckily, I was still up practicing my drums.
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I finally got rid of all my junk at a yard sale.
Then my neighbor had a yard sale, and I bought it all back.
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My neighbors listen to really great music.
Whether they want to or not.
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My neighbor has borrowed my lawn mower every Saturday for six years.
Yesterday he complained about the gas mileage.
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Ten friends promised to help me move this weekend.
On moving day, eleven of them had a family emergency.
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My neighbor and I have chatted over the fence every day for eleven years.
I still don’t know his name. It’s far too late to ask.
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My neighbor mows his lawn in perfect diagonal stripes.
Mine’s mowed in a pattern experts call “a cry for help.”