48 Dad Jokes That Are Actually Funny
Dad jokes that earn the groan and the laugh. Use responsibly.
A great dad joke gets a groan and a laugh at the same time. We kept only the ones that manage both, so you can deliver them with full confidence and a straight face.
More specific lists
Dad jokes about the wife (7)
The puns that earn a husband the long, slow, silent stare.
-
My wife says I have absolutely no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
-
My wife handed me her new phone and asked me to sync it.
It’s at the bottom of the lake now. She’s not happy.
-
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on way too high.
She looked surprised.
-
My wife asked me to please stop doing my flamingo impression.
So I had to put my foot down.
-
I told my wife I was building a car entirely out of spaghetti.
You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
-
My wife asked me to take the spider outside instead of squashing it. So I did.
We grabbed a beer. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
-
My wife says I’m condescending. In case you don’t know what that means…
…it means I talk down to people.
Classic setup dad jokes (12)
Walks into a bar, two fish in a tank and other timeless groaners.
-
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other.
“Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?”
-
I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He asked, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “Well, I can’t do Tuesdays.”
-
A guy walks into a bar dragging a set of jumper cables.
Bartender says, “Fine, you can stay. Just don’t start anything.”
-
I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
I’ll let you know which comes first.
-
I asked my dog what two minus two is.
He said nothing.
-
A ham sandwich strolls into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says, “Sorry, pal. We don’t serve food here.”
-
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
-
A grizzly walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a bourbon and… … … … a ginger ale.”
Bartender says, “Sure. Why the big paws?”
-
Somebody stole every single toilet out of the downtown police station last night.
Detectives say they have absolutely nothing to go on.
-
A cheese factory blew up in the French countryside last night.
Nothing left but de brie.
-
My brother-in-law swears he’s a real magician. Yesterday he proved it. He was walking down our street…
…and he turned into a driveway.
-
Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One asks the other what kind of music he’s into.
“I’m a big metal fan.”
Book, word and science puns (17)
For the dad who thinks chemistry jokes are elementary and very, very funny.
-
I just finished writing a book on reverse psychology.
Whatever you do, don’t buy it.
-
Some jerk broke into my house and stole my thesaurus.
I’m speechless. Stunned. Flabbergasted. Dumbfounded. Lost for words.
-
I was going to tell you a great joke about time travel.
But you didn’t like it.
-
I went to the library and asked if they had any books on paranoia.
The librarian leaned in and whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
-
I’m pretty proud of myself. I just invented a brand-new word.
Plagiarism.
-
I spent all morning trying to catch the fog rolling in.
Mist.
-
Someone stole my mood ring right off my finger.
I’m still not sure how I feel about it.
-
I’d tell you a joke about chemistry, but I won’t.
All the good ones argon.
-
I can’t stand Russian nesting dolls.
They’re so full of themselves.
-
I’m writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes.
It’s only a rough draft.
-
My kids asked me how you can tell when a regular joke has officially become a dad joke.
When it’s fully apparent.
-
Whenever I’m down, my buddy says, “Cheer up. It could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
-
I opened my wardrobe this morning and found a full-grown lion inside. I asked what he was doing in there.
He said, “Narnia business.”
-
Ever wonder why seagulls only fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
-
I have a crippling fear of negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them.
-
The man who invented the knock-knock joke finally got the recognition he deserved.
They gave him the No-bell Prize.
-
People ask how I stay so positive every single morning.
Honestly, the rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
Job and everyday life puns (12)
Every job Dad ever lost, and the pun he made about it.
-
I gave away all my old dead batteries today.
Free of charge.
-
I used to run a dating service for chickens.
But I just couldn’t make hens meet.
-
I got let go from the keyboard factory.
Apparently I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
-
I used to work at a can-crushing plant.
It was soda pressing.
-
I told my contractor I didn’t want carpet on the stairs.
He gave me a blank stare.
-
Someone glued every card in my poker deck together.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
-
I’ve started a campaign to get more people eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
-
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
-
Somebody finally complimented my parking downtown. They even left a little note tucked under my windshield wiper.
It said, “Parking Fine.”
-
My buddy said he cracked Forrest Gump’s computer password on the first try.
It was 1Forrest1.
-
Three weeks ago I ordered a book online called How to Scam People on the Internet.
It still hasn’t arrived.
-
I tried to organize a national hide-and-seek tournament.
Had to cancel. Good players are really hard to find.