44 Funny One-Liners for Adults That Are Actually Funny

One-liners about phones and tech (12)

Screen time reports, low batteries and a doorbell that only ever sees you.

I asked my phone, “Why am I still single?”

It switched to the front camera.
I renamed my Wi-Fi network “Hack This If You Can.”

The next morning it was called “Challenge Accepted.”
My phone told me my screen time went up 40% this week.

I read that notification eleven times.
I went to bed early to finally get eight hours, then watched one quick video on my phone.

It’s 2 a.m. and I’m now an expert on submarines.
My phone was at 2% when I left the house.

Most thrilling twenty minutes of my life.
A store asked for my email address at checkout.

Now we’re pen pals. They write every day. Sometimes twice.
Netflix popped up and asked, “Are you still watching?”

It’s the only one who’s noticed I haven’t moved since Friday.
My video doorbell sent me nineteen alerts today.

Every one of them was me, checking for a package.
I forgot my password, so I clicked “Reset.” It said my new password can’t be the same as my old one.

So it knew the whole time. It just wasn’t telling me.
I tried the sleep expert trick of leaving my phone in another room overnight.

I lay awake until 3 a.m. wondering what it was doing without me.
A website made me click every square with a traffic light to prove I’m not a robot.

I failed three times. Now I’m honestly not sure.
I asked the 22-year-old at work to fax something for me.

She looked at me like I’d asked her to churn butter.

Paying the balance in full and somehow setting off the fraud alarm.

My credit card company called to flag suspicious activity on my account.

Apparently I paid the full balance.
The dressing room mirror made me look amazing.

So I bought the mirror.
I keep hearing I should diversify my investments.

So now I’m broke in four different apps.
My brother borrowed $20 from me in 2009 and swore he was good for it.

He has since bought a boat.
The listing said the house had “charming vintage details.”

Translation: the wiring remembers Eisenhower.
Every money expert says the secret to wealth is to pay yourself first.

I tried. I bounced a check to myself.
My financial advisor ran the numbers and said I can retire at 65.

Not 65 years old. 65 years from now.

Resolutions, clean eating and fifty sit-ups, loosely defined.

My goal this year was to lose 15 pounds.

Only 20 more to go.
I bought a self-help book called “How to Cope With Disappointment.”

Every single page was blank.
I set five alarms so I wouldn’t oversleep.

Now I just oversleep in five installments.
I’ve given up sugar, carbs and processed food.

Day two. I’m writing this from inside a bakery.
I made a resolution to read more this year.

So I turned on subtitles.
I own an air fryer, an Instant Pot, a bread machine and a sous vide.

Last night I had cereal over the sink.
Every morning I do fifty sit-ups.

Well, I sit. Then, eventually, I get up.
I’ve started eating clean.

Every plate in the house, licked spotless.
I ordered a salad at the drive-thru.

The guy at the window asked if I was okay.
I went jogging this morning for the first time in years.

Three neighbors offered me a ride. One offered CPR.
The waiter asked if I’d saved room for dessert.

I don’t save room. I build an addition.
I started doing yoga to reduce my stress.

Nothing stresses me out like a 24-year-old telling me to breathe into my hip.
I’ve been carefully counting calories all week, just like my doctor asked.

So far I’m up to 46,000.
My doctor told me to start exercising, but to start slowly.

I’ve been starting slowly for eleven years.
I told my personal trainer my big goal is to touch my toes again.

He asked when I’d last seen them.

Parking, dating, flight delays and a check-engine light that’s now décor.

The secret to keeping a clean house is actually very simple.

Never let anyone inside.
I parallel parked perfectly on the first try today.

I wasn’t even stopping there. I just wanted witnesses.
My therapist says I have a fear of commitment.

We’ve been seeing each other for nine years.
My car’s check-engine light has been on for three years.

At this point it’s not a warning. It’s a night-light.
I washed my car this morning.

Local farmers sent a thank-you note for ending the drought.
The airline said our flight would be delayed “a few minutes.”

I’m now a regular at the airport Chili’s.
My dating profile says I enjoy long walks on the beach.

I’ve been to the beach once. I walked from the car to a chair.
I bought one of those sleep machines that plays the sound of ocean waves all night.

Now I can’t sleep, and I also have to pee.
My husband watched the next episode of our show without me.

We’re in counseling now. When I told the counselor, she gasped.
I finally went to see my favorite band from high school.

The whole crowd agreed: way too loud.