39 Christmas Jokes That Are Actually Funny
Christmas jokes for adults: clean enough for the office party, funny enough to repeat.
Lights that won’t untangle, gifts you forgot to buy and an ugly sweater you’re somehow required to wear. These Christmas jokes are for grown-ups who would rather laugh than wrap another present.
More specific lists
Santa jokes (8)
Santa breaks into every house on Earth, and somehow my package is still in Ohio.
-
Every Christmas Eve, Santa breaks into millions of homes.
And everyone leaves him snacks. Try that in March.
-
Santa delivers to every house on Earth in a single night.
My package from Ohio has been “out for delivery” since Tuesday.
-
All I asked the mall Santa for this year was a parking spot.
He laughed. Not “ho ho ho.” Just laughed.
-
I asked one of Santa’s elves what his boss is like.
“Works one night a year and takes all the credit.”
-
My neighbor’s inflatable Santa slowly collapses on the lawn every morning.
Honestly, that’s me on December 26th.
-
Santa sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake.
So does my phone. I just get ads instead of presents.
-
Why does Santa still come down the chimney?
Because every front door in America has a camera now.
-
Our Elf on the Shelf reports back to Santa every single night.
He’s seen our December. He’s asking for witness protection.
Christmas family and in-law jokes (14)
For anyone counting down to New Year’s for reasons that aren’t the party.
-
My in-laws are staying with us until New Year’s.
I’ve never been so excited to watch a ball drop.
-
My family has passed the same fruitcake down for three generations.
Nobody’s ever eaten it. It’s just in the will.
-
I told my wife I’d hang the Christmas lights myself this year.
The neighbors pulled up lawn chairs.
-
Stores start playing Christmas music on November 1st.
By December, I want “Silent Night” taken literally.
-
My in-laws could learn a lot from Santa.
Show up once a year, eat the cookies, gone by morning.
-
In our White Elephant exchange, you’re allowed to steal any gift.
Grandma took the bourbon from me. Twice.
-
Every Hallmark Christmas movie has a big-city woman falling for the handsome guy who runs a small-town tree farm.
In real life, the tree farm guy is named Earl, and he’s 71.
-
My neighbor put 40,000 Christmas lights on his house this year.
Mine looks like the house his is bullying.
-
My neighbor’s Christmas lights blink in perfect sync with music.
Mine blink in sync with my husband cursing on the ladder.
-
This year, we booked my in-laws a lovely hotel room for Christmas.
Not as a gift. As the plan.
-
My aunt’s famous fruitcake doesn’t have an expiration date.
It has a half-life.
-
Our Christmas tree is still up in February.
So we added little hearts. Now it looks intentional.
-
My father-in-law says he loves visiting us for Christmas.
He means our recliner. He says goodnight to it.
-
Our Christmas lights have been up on the house since 2019.
At this point, they’re load-bearing.
Gift, card and holiday letter jokes (11)
Regifted candles, late cards and the neighbor’s dog who made partner.
-
My aunt gave me a beautiful scented candle for Christmas.
I know it’s beautiful. I gave it to her last year.
-
We were running a little behind on our holiday cards this year.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!
-
The Hendersons’ holiday letter listed every family achievement of the year.
Even the dog got a paragraph. He made partner.
-
I send Christmas cards to people I haven’t spoken to since last Christmas.
It’s the only thing keeping those friendships legally alive.
-
My mom gave me a sweater for Christmas, along with a gift receipt.
Even she doesn’t believe in that sweater.
-
I spent two hours wrapping Christmas presents last night.
Now I just need to figure out which one has the scissors.
-
It took 87 tries to get a family photo for our Christmas card.
In the one we picked, only the dog is smiling.
-
My credit card company sent me a Christmas card this year.
It was handwritten. They know what I did.
-
Nine years ago, we got a Christmas card from a family we’ve never met. So we sent one back.
Now it’s a tradition. Neither family will blink first.
-
This year I bought my wife exactly what she asked for.
Now she’s convinced someone helped me. She wants a name.
-
My husband does all his Christmas shopping on December 24th at a gas station.
Last year I got wiper fluid and a beautiful jerky assortment.
Office Christmas party jokes (6)
Ugly sweaters, Secret Santa and HR taking very careful notes.
-
I won the ugly sweater contest at the office Christmas party.
Which was awkward, because I didn’t enter.
-
I don’t remember much from the office Christmas party.
Luckily, HR took very detailed notes.
-
I hung mistletoe at the office Christmas party.
HR had it down in four minutes. A new record.
-
I drew Gary from accounting for Secret Santa.
We’ve sat side by side for nine years. I know nothing about Gary.
-
Our office Christmas party has a strict two-drink limit.
That’s why Phil from sales showed up with a thermos.
-
My ugly Christmas sweater lights up, plays “Jingle Bells” and has its own battery pack.
Airport security had a lot of questions.