107 Funny Puns That Are Actually Funny
Clean puns that are actually funny: food, animal, work and holiday puns for adults and kids.
Funny puns that are actually funny, the kind that earn the groan and then get repeated at dinner. Clean food puns, animal puns, work puns, science puns, and Halloween and Christmas puns for adults and kids.
More specific lists
Everyday puns (8)
Groan-worthy wordplay about bands, car repairs, speed bumps and the stuff of daily life.
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My brother started a band called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
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I went shopping for camouflage pants today.
Couldn’t find any.
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I spent all weekend replacing the muffler on my car.
I’m exhausted.
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I used to be terrified of speed bumps.
But I’m slowly getting over it.
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For sale: one broken guitar. Cheap. Make me an offer.
No strings attached.
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I kept wondering why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.
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A can of soda fell off the top shelf and bonked me on the head.
I’m fine. It was a soft drink.
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Why are tennis players so bad at romance?
To them, love means nothing.
Food puns (16)
Bread, cheese, melons and hot dogs, all doing their very best to make you groan.
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My wife asked why I bake her fresh bread every Sunday.
Honestly, it’s the yeast I can do.
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My sourdough won’t let anybody get close to it.
It has some serious crust issues.
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I let my brother-in-law run the grill at our Oktoberfest party.
Things went from bad to wurst.
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I accidentally stepped on a grape in the kitchen.
It didn’t yell. It just let out a little wine.
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The hot dogs at the cookout had been avoiding each other for weeks.
Finally, they sat down and had a frank conversation.
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We ran out of espresso beans, and I’ve been gloomy all morning.
My wife says it’s a classic case of depresso.
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Nobody believes a word the Swiss cheese says.
There are way too many holes in its story.
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The sneeze guard fell off at the salad bar, and people started panicking.
The manager begged everyone to romaine calm.
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Why did the guy at the vegetable stand quit?
The celery was terrible.
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The “spaghetti” at that trendy new restaurant turned out to be shredded zucchini.
What an impasta.
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Two melons fell in love, but their families insisted on a huge church wedding.
Sadly, they cantaloupe.
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My two potatoes argued all night long.
By breakfast, they’d finally hashed it out.
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The pepper at the salad bar kept asking everyone personal questions.
Total jalapeño business.
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The shrimp has never once offered to split the check.
He’s always been a little shellfish.
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My coffee talked back to the creamer again this morning.
So now it’s grounded for a week.
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My buddy at the bakery has been working double shifts all month.
He really kneads the dough.
Animal puns (22)
Snakes, bears, cows and one magic Labrador, all walking straight into the punch line.
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My math teacher’s parrot flew out an open window and never came back.
Now she just calls it a polygon.
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What do you call a snake who works at the DMV?
A civil serpent.
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What do you call a dog who does magic tricks?
A Labracadabrador.
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A duck finishes a fancy steak dinner, and the waiter brings him the check.
“Thanks. Just put it on my bill.”
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What do you call a pig who just earned his black belt?
A pork chop.
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What do you call a grizzly who’s lost all his teeth?
A gummy bear.
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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
“Bison.”
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What do you call a camel with no hump?
Humphrey.
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Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
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What do you call a bee who can never make up its mind?
A maybe.
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What do you call an alligator who wears a vest to work?
An investigator.
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What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
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What do you call a bull taking a nap?
A bulldozer.
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Why did the snail paint a giant letter S on the hood of his car?
So everyone would say, “Look at that S car go!”
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I’ve owned the same horse for twenty-two years.
It’s the most stable relationship I’ve ever had.
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Why is it impossible to play a prank on a snake?
You can’t pull its leg.
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What did the old horse yell after he tripped in the barn?
“Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t giddyup!”
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How does a chicken bake a birthday cake?
From scratch.
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What’s a mosquito’s favorite water sport?
Skin diving.
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Why did the rooster get thrown out of the basketball game?
Too many fowls.
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Why do hummingbirds hum?
They never bothered to learn the words.
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What do you call a kangaroo who never gets off the couch?
A pouch potato.
Work and job puns (16)
Fired, retired or folded: puns about every job that didn’t quite work out.
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Our dentist just married a manicurist.
Now they fight tooth and nail.
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I’m thinking about a career making mirrors.
It’s a job I can really see myself doing.
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I lost my job at the hot dog stand.
They caught me putting my hair in a bun.
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I used to be a taxi driver, but customers kept complaining.
Apparently they hated it when I went the extra mile.
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My uncle spent forty years working at the tire shop.
Now he’s retired.
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The new lumberjack lasted exactly one week.
He couldn’t hack it, so they gave him the axe.
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I opened an origami shop downtown.
Three months later, it folded.
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Why does the auto mechanic sleep under the cars?
He likes to wake up oily.
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I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
All I did was take a couple of days off.
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The whole staff at the bowling alley walked off the job this morning.
They’re officially on strike.
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My massage therapist got fired after three weeks.
She kept rubbing customers the wrong way.
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Why did the butcher start picking up extra shifts?
He was trying to make ends meat.
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I quit my job at the pencil factory.
The whole thing felt pointless.
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I asked my brother how he learned to be a garbage collector.
He said, “I just picked it up as I went along.”
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I tried to make a living as a historian.
But there was no future in it.
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The electrician got arrested on the job today.
The charge? Battery.
Science and history puns (8)
Photons, neutrons, knights and Cleopatra, for the nerd in the family who loves a groaner.
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My claustrophobic buddy says he wants to become an astronaut.
He just needs a little space.
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The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
Things got a little tense.
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A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags.
“No thanks. I’m traveling light.”
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I heard they opened a restaurant on the moon. The food’s supposed to be amazing.
But there’s absolutely no atmosphere.
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer.
Bartender says, “For you? No charge.”
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Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?
There were way too many knights.
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I’m reading a fascinating book about anti-gravity.
I honestly can’t put it down.
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Cleopatra never once admitted she had a problem.
She was the Queen of Denial.
Christmas puns (18)
Santa, reindeer, snowmen and gingerbread men, wrapped up in wordplay for the holidays.
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What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
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What did Mrs. Claus say when storm clouds rolled over the North Pole?
“Looks like rain, dear.”
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What do you call a snowman who hits the gym every day?
An abdominal snowman.
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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing. It was on the house.
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How do sheep wish each other a merry Christmas?
“Fleece Navidad!”
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What does Santa say while he’s working in his garden?
“Hoe, hoe, hoe!”
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Why did Rudolph get a D on his report card?
He went down in history.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
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What do you call a reindeer who quits Santa’s team and goes off on his own?
A rebel without a Claus.
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What do you call Santa after he’s paid for every toy in the workshop?
Saint Nickel-less.
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Somebody stole our advent calendar right off the kitchen wall.
Its days are numbered.
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Why was the snowman digging through the bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
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What’s a dog’s favorite Christmas carol?
“Bark! The Herald Angels Sing.”
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What does Santa take on December 26th?
A long Santa Pause.
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What did the gingerbread man say when he broke his leg?
“Oh, snap!”
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What do grumpy mice mail each other in December?
Cross-mouse cards.
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What kind of bedding does a gingerbread man buy?
Cookie sheets.
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Why did Santa’s little helper start seeing a therapist?
Low elf-esteem.
Halloween puns (19)
Vampires, mummies, ghosts and witches with a spooky talent for terrible wordplay.
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Who helps little pumpkins cross the street safely?
The crossing gourd.
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Why don’t mummies ever take vacations?
They’re afraid they might relax and unwind.
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How do vampires get across the ocean?
In blood vessels.
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Why did the witch’s broom show up late?
It over-swept.
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Why don’t vampires get invited to many parties?
They’re a real pain in the neck.
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Which room in the house does a ghost like best?
The living room.
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Why does Dracula always seem to have a cold?
He can’t stop coffin.
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Why did the ghost ride the elevator all day?
To lift its spirits.
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
For the spare ribs.
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Our realtor admits the old haunted house needs work, and yes, there are skeletons in the closet.
But she swears it has great bones.
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What does a zombie who’s gone vegetarian moan as he shuffles down the street?
“Graaaaains!”
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Why won’t vampires ever eat at a steakhouse?
There’s way too much at stake.
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Why does Frankenstein’s monster always get indigestion?
He bolts his food.
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How does a mummy begin every formal letter?
“Tomb it may concern.”
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Why did the witch take a job at the fancy downtown hotel?
She’d always wanted to work in broom service.
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Why did Dracula decide to become an accountant?
He was already a Count.
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Why is the ghost always on a diet?
She’s trying to keep her ghoulish figure.
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What kind of music do mummies play at parties?
Wrap. Mostly the oldies.
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Where does a ghost go on Friday night after a long week of haunting?
Straight to the bar for a few boos.