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38 Funny Nurse Jokes

Nurse jokes for nurses: 12-hour shifts, night shift, coffee and charting.

Twelve-hour shifts, bladders of steel and a coffee that went cold three hours ago. These nurse jokes are for the people who keep everyone else running, and they’re clean enough to share at the nurses’ station.

Nurse jokes about doctors and the unit (9)

Saying “it’s quiet tonight” out loud, and the great pen wars.

  1. At a party, a guy told me he’s basically a nurse because he’s watched every season of a hospital drama.

    I told him I’m basically a pilot. I’ve flown coach.

  2. A new doctor walked onto our night shift and said, “Wow, it’s so quiet tonight.”

    We’d like to thank him for the six admissions that followed.

  3. The doctor asked my patient if he had any questions. He said no.

    The doctor left. He had forty-seven questions for me.

  4. Want to start a real fight on a nursing unit?

    Borrow a pen and don’t give it back.

  5. After twenty years, I can finally read doctors’ handwriting.

    Turns out half of it just says, “Ask the nurse.”

  6. The new doctor asked me what I’d recommend for my patient.

    So I told him. He wrote it down and called it his plan.

  7. The new doctor’s handwriting is neat, clear and completely readable.

    We’ve asked to see his medical license.

  8. I asked the new grad how she takes her coffee.

    She said, “Hot.” Adorable. Give her a week.

  9. Doctors insist the full moon has absolutely no effect on patients.

    Doctors go home at five.

Patient and family jokes (11)

Call lights, pain scales and the ninth relative who needs the same update.

  1. My husband has a cold and says it’s the worst pain he’s ever felt.

    I showed him the pain scale. He picked eleven and asked for pudding.

  2. The call light went off, so I sprinted all the way down the hall.

    He needed his TV remote moved four inches. To the left.

  3. On his way home, my patient said, “I’m really going to miss you.”

    His call light said the same thing eighty-four times yesterday.

  4. In a hospital, we hand you a sleeping pill at 10 p.m.

    Then we wake you at 4 a.m. to see if it worked.

  5. I gave the family a complete, detailed update on their dad’s condition.

    Then I repeated it for nine more relatives, who arrived one at a time.

  6. Patients who tell me, “I have a really high pain tolerance” all have one thing in common.

    They scream when the blood pressure cuff starts to squeeze.

  7. A sweet old man asked me, “Are you my nurse today?”

    Nurse, waitress, therapist, tech support, and official finder of your dentures.

  8. My patient told me he’s done a lot of research on his condition.

    So have I. Mine took four years and a student loan.

  9. I don’t need a calendar to know there’s a full moon tonight.

    Room 6 is wearing his hospital gown as a cape.

  10. My patient brought a thirty-page printout of everything he found about his condition online.

    Page one was the cookie consent pop-up.

  11. My husband cut his finger slicing a bagel, so I calmly cleaned and bandaged it.

    Then I asked for his name and date of birth.

12-hour shift and no-break jokes (18)

For the nurse who eats lunch in an elevator and calls it a break.

  1. A camel can go a whole week without a drink of water.

    Cute. I’ve gone a 12-hour shift without a bathroom break.

  2. In nursing, if it isn’t charted, it didn’t happen.

    Which is how I know I’ve never once had a lunch break.

  3. My doctor asked how often I use the restroom during a 12-hour shift.

    I said, “Once.” He asked if he could write a paper about me.

  4. I’ve been off work for three whole days, completely relaxed.

    Yesterday my microwave beeped and I sprinted toward Room 14.

  5. My fitness tracker congratulated me on 22,000 steps during my shift.

    Then it asked if I needed it to call the police.

  6. You can always spot the nurse at a nice restaurant.

    She finishes her entire meal in four minutes, standing up.

  7. A patient kindly asked if I’d gotten to take a break today.

    Only my spirit.

  8. I sat down at the nurses’ station for one full minute today.

    The charge nurse came over to check my pulse.

  9. After my shift, I emptied my scrub pockets onto the kitchen table.

    Four pens, nine alcohol pads, and somebody’s hearing aid.

  10. I’ve worked every single holiday for five years straight.

    My cousins now think I’m a family legend, like Bigfoot.

  11. My patient complained that his hospital lunch was a little cold.

    Mine was three saltines and a pudding cup, eaten in an elevator.

  12. My neighbors are convinced I’m a vampire. I sleep all day, I’m pale, and I only leave the house after dark.

    In fairness, I do take blood for a living.

  13. My friend asked if I’ve ever tried a 12-hour fast.

    Three times this week. We call them shifts.

  14. I worked Christmas again, so my family FaceTimed me in and propped me up at the dinner table.

    Grandpa spent the whole meal trying to pass my iPad the potatoes.

  15. Today I finished an entire cup of coffee at work while it was still hot.

    It felt so wrong, I filed an incident report.

  16. I’ve been a nurse so long, I wrote my wedding vows like a chart note.

    “Groom alert and oriented. Verbalized understanding of plan.”

  17. I work nights, so I sleep days behind serious blackout curtains.

    Last week my husband reported me missing. I was in the bedroom.

  18. My husband surprised me with a fancy massage chair for my birthday.

    I have no idea how it works. I’m not familiar with sitting.

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