47 Funny Retirement Jokes
Retirement jokes for cards, speeches and coworkers who are about to have a lot of free time.
Retirement: no alarm clock, no boss and somehow less free time than ever. Use these in a card, a retirement speech or the office group chat when someone finally clocks out for good.
More specific lists
Retirement party and speech jokes (9)
Gold watches, sad collections and a farewell speech that runs forty-five minutes.
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At my retirement party, my boss gave a speech saying I was irreplaceable.
Then he introduced the intern who’s been doing my job since March.
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My coworkers took up a collection for my retirement gift after 31 years.
Fourteen dollars and a card that says “Get Well Soon.”
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At my retirement party they swore they’d never forget me.
Two days later, security wouldn’t let me in.
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For thirty years, my boss yelled at me for watching the clock.
My retirement gift? A clock.
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After thirty-two years, the company gave me an engraved gold watch at my retirement party.
The engraving just says, “Finally.”
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My coworkers chipped in and bought me a plane ticket to Florida for my retirement.
One way. They were very clear about that.
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I gave a forty-five-minute speech at my own retirement party.
My boss said it was the most work I’d done all year.
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When I retired, I told my team to call me anytime they needed my expertise.
They called once. They couldn’t find the good stapler.
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At my exit interview, HR asked what I’d miss most about the company.
I said, “The paycheck.” She wrote down, “The people.”
Retired at home with your spouse jokes (13)
For the newly retired spouse who now follows their partner from room to room.
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I retired and started helping my wife around the house every day.
She went back to work.
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I told my wife I wasn’t asleep in my recliner. I was just resting my eyes.
She asked why my eyes were snoring.
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I retired so I could spend more time with my wife.
Neither of us thought that through.
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My doctor said I need to get more rest.
My wife said, “From what?”
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My wife’s honey-do list is so long, I asked about a 401(k) match.
She matched it. With a second list.
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My wife suggested I find a hobby now that I’m retired.
Apparently, following her from room to room doesn’t count.
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My wife retired the same month I did.
Now this house has two bosses and zero employees.
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My first week of retirement, I reorganized all my wife’s kitchen cabinets.
My second week, she reorganized my golf clubs. Into a yard sale.
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I’ve gotten so good at napping since I retired, I can do it with my eyes open.
My wife calls it “listening.”
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Since I retired, the dog has stopped greeting me at the door.
I never leave. He thinks I came with the house.
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My wife says having me home all day is like getting a second dog.
Except the first one lets her finish a sentence.
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Since I retired, I’ve been going grocery shopping with my wife to help.
Now she goes at 6 a.m., while I’m still asleep.
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Since I retired, my wife packs me a nice lunch every single day.
Then she drops me off at the library to eat it.
Retired life and golf jokes (19)
Every day is Saturday, the trash goes out four times and the golf never improves.
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I’ve gotten so chatty since retiring, I talk to the mail carrier for an hour every day.
Now he delivers our mail at night.
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Third trip to the hardware store today, just to get out of the house.
The manager asked if I wanted to clock in.
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I threw my alarm clock in the trash the day I retired.
Now my bladder wakes me at 5 a.m. for free.
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We went to the diner and asked for the early-bird dinner special.
The waitress said, “Hon, we’re still serving breakfast.”
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My wife says I golf every day. I told her the doctor wants me walking more.
She said, “You take a cart.”
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Since retiring, I golf every day, and my score hasn’t improved at all.
But my lying has gotten fantastic.
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I have so much free time since retiring that I finally read the terms and conditions.
Turns out I agreed to a lot.
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After forty years of taking orders, I finally retired and became my own boss.
Worst employee I’ve ever had. Never shows up before ten.
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Since I retired, every single day feels like Saturday.
Last week I put the trash out four times.
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The day I retired, my daughter dropped the grandkids off at my house.
New job. Same hours. Much shorter coworkers.
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My first Monday of retirement, I woke up at ten and panicked.
I called my old boss to say I’d be late. He said, “Take forever.”
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For thirty years, I said I’d be a great golfer if I didn’t have to work.
I retired. Work was not the problem.
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Our retired foursome plays eighteen holes every morning.
Combined age: 288. Combined score: about the same.
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I retired to Florida to get away from office politics.
Then I went to my first condo board meeting.
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The worst part of retirement is the weekends.
All these working people show up and clog my Costco.
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Every Tuesday, my retired buddies and I meet for breakfast to solve the world’s problems.
We’d have it fixed by now if any of us could hear.
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For our anniversary, our son booked us a fancy 8 p.m. dinner reservation.
Very sweet of him. We’ll be asleep, but very sweet.
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I took up woodworking in retirement and built my first birdhouse.
Only $4,000 in tools. The birds prefer the neighbor’s $12 one.
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My wife asked why I play golf six days a week now that I’m retired.
I told her the course is closed on Mondays.
Retirement money jokes (6)
Fixed incomes, Costco sample day and a financial plan built on Powerball.
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My wife and I found a five-course lunch we can afford on a fixed income.
Costco on sample day.
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I asked my financial advisor when I could afford to retire.
He laughed. Then he billed me for the laugh.
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Retirement is basically a permanent vacation.
With exactly enough money for the first week.
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My financial planner asked me to walk him through my retirement strategy.
I showed him my Powerball tickets. He asked if he could buy in.
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We sold the house and bought an RV so we could finally see America.
So far we’ve seen eleven Walmart parking lots.
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I asked my financial advisor how my 401(k) did this year.
He asked if I wanted to sit down. Then he sat down.