35 Funny Father’s Day Jokes
Clean Father’s Day jokes for cards: the thermostat, the grill, road trips and Dad’s nap.
Funny Father’s Day jokes to put in a card for Dad or Grandpa. These are jokes about dads, not just puns: the thermostat rules, the grill, the road trip and the recliner nap he’s earned.
Thermostat and house rules dad jokes (6)
Sweaters, light switches and a remote that travels in a sandwich bag.
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Dad’s thermostat policy has two rules. If you’re cold, put on a sweater.
If you’re hot, he doesn’t believe you.
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My dad couldn’t tell you a single one of our birthdays.
But he can feel the thermostat move two degrees from the garage.
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Dad turns off the light the second anyone leaves a room.
Sometimes a little before. I’ve finished a lot of showers by feel.
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Before we leave the house, Dad runs the checklist: “Lights off? Stove off? Doors locked?”
We’re walking to the mailbox.
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Dad keeps the TV remote in his shirt pocket at all times.
When he showers, it goes in a sandwich bag.
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Dad keeps a flashlight in every room for emergencies.
None of them have batteries. Those are in the junk drawer, “for emergencies.”
Father’s Day gift and card jokes (7)
World’s Greatest Dad mugs, unused tool sets and a card that looks suspiciously familiar.
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All Dad wanted for Father’s Day was for the whole family to come home.
Then, after about an hour, for the whole family to go home.
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I put a dad joke in Dad’s Father’s Day card.
He read it, nodded, and gave me notes on my delivery.
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We gave Dad a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug.
He asked who did the judging and whether there was prize money.
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Every Father’s Day card has a cartoon guy asleep in a recliner, holding the remote.
Dad thinks somebody’s been selling his picture.
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On Father’s Day, Dad gets to do whatever he wants all day.
So, same as every Saturday, but with a card.
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Dad’s recliner finally broke after thirty faithful years.
He held a small service. We were all expected to say a few words.
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We bought Dad a 300-piece tool set for Father’s Day.
He still fixes everything with a butter knife. The tools are “for good.”
Grill, lawn and garage dad jokes (10)
Sacred grill tongs, a lawn he talks to and a coffee can of screws.
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My dad has handed me his car keys, his credit card and, once, his newborn granddaughter.
But nobody touches his grill tongs.
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Dad waters the lawn every evening at seven, no exceptions. Yesterday it rained all day.
He watered it anyway. “The rain doesn’t know what it’s doing.”
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Dad traced an outline around every tool on his garage pegboard.
When one goes missing, it looks like a crime scene. He treats it like one.
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Dad still guards his lawn from the neighbor kid who cut across it in 1996.
That kid’s a dentist now. Dad’s still watching.
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Dad talks to his lawn more than he talks to me.
In fairness, the lawn does what he says.
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Dad got a riding mower for Father’s Day.
So far he’s mowed our lawn, the neighbors’ lawn and half the highway median.
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Dad says the black crust on his grill isn’t dirt, it’s “seasoning.”
It’s older than my sister.
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Dad has kept a coffee can of random screws in the garage for forty years.
Not one has ever fit anything. He still believes in them.
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Dad grills in every kind of weather. Rain, sleet, even thunderstorms.
He holds the umbrella over the burgers, not himself.
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My dad’s lawn is the greenest on the street. Mine is not.
He drives past slowly, shaking his head, like he’s passing an accident.
Frugal dad jokes (7)
Fifteen percent of 1981 prices, reused foil and popcorn smuggled in a pillowcase.
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My dad still hurries off the phone because long-distance calls are expensive.
I live eleven minutes away.
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Dad once drove twenty miles out of his way to save four cents a gallon on gas.
He tells it like a war story. We tell it like a hostage story.
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My dad says he’s a generous tipper. Fifteen percent, every time.
Of what the meal would’ve cost in 1981.
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Dad has reused the same sheet of aluminum foil since I was in high school.
It has more miles on it than his truck.
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Dad insists he isn’t cheap. He’s “frugal.”
Frugal people don’t sneak popcorn into the movies in a pillowcase.
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We took Dad to a nice steakhouse for Father’s Day.
He read the prices out loud like they were personal insults.
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Growing up, Dad’s rule at restaurants was, “Order anything you want.”
Then he’d point to what we wanted.
Road trip dad jokes (5)
Making good time, never lost and one cassette across twelve states.
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On road trips, Dad only stopped for bathroom breaks when the car needed gas.
We had a 22-gallon tank and four kids.
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Dad never stopped at a single sight on our family road trips. He was too busy making “good time.”
We saw the Grand Canyon at 75 miles an hour.
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On road trips, the driver picked the music, and Dad always drove.
Twelve states. One cassette. We still know every word.
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Dad swears he has never once been lost.
Once, we were “not lost” in Pennsylvania for six straight hours.
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Dad still keeps a paper road atlas from 1989 in the glove box.
“Roads don’t move,” he says. They’ve built two interstates since.