42 Halloween Jokes for Adults
Halloween jokes for adults: costumes, the candy bowl and the neighbor who decorates like it’s a movie set.
Halloween for grown-ups means buying candy “for the trick-or-treaters,” wearing a costume to the office and eating the leftovers by November 2. These Halloween jokes are spooky, silly and clean enough for the costume party.
Halloween candy jokes (7)
For anyone who’s “just checking” the candy bowl for the ninth time tonight.
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Every Halloween I swear I’ll only eat a few pieces of the candy.
At midnight my wife found me in the pantry like a raccoon with a mortgage.
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I’ve refilled our Halloween candy bowl six times this week.
It’s October 22nd.
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Every year I buy Halloween candy I hate, so I won’t eat it before the 31st.
Turns out I don’t hate anything that much.
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We handed out full-size candy bars on Halloween one time.
Now we get Christmas cards from kids we’ve never met.
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After trick-or-treating, I charge my kids a 30% candy tax.
And anything with peanut butter gets audited.
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I always save the really good candy for the last trick-or-treater of the night.
It’s me. I ring my own doorbell at nine.
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One Halloween, years ago, we handed out little boxes of raisins.
Twelve years later, the neighbors still warn new families about our house.
Halloween costume jokes (14)
Couples costumes, office contests and last-minute bedsheet ghosts, all gone slightly wrong.
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My husband and I went to the Halloween party as salt and pepper.
No costumes. We just stopped coloring our hair.
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A trick-or-treater screamed and ran the second I opened the front door.
Which hurt, because I hadn’t put my costume on yet.
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Last minute, I threw a bedsheet over my head and went to the party as a ghost.
Now I’m explaining to my wife why her good sheets have eyeholes.
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I tried on my old prom tuxedo to see if it would work as a Halloween costume.
Change of plans. I’m going as a sausage.
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My neighbors say I’m too old to go trick-or-treating.
Fine. Now I just ring doorbells asking for ibuprofen and a chair.
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For the office costume contest, I dressed up as my boss.
I said “Let’s circle back” all day and left at two.
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Every couples costume takes a little compromise.
So she’s Wonder Woman, and I’m the guy holding her purse.
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Kevin came to the office Halloween party dressed as a “Reply All” email.
Grown adults ran screaming.
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Our remote team held a virtual Halloween costume contest.
Dave won just by turning his camera on. Nobody had seen his face since 2020.
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This year I went to the Halloween party as “a guy with a 10 p.m. bedtime.”
Very convincing. I left at 9:40.
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I dressed as a scarecrow and sat perfectly still on the porch to spook people.
I fell asleep at 7:15. Someone put a blanket on me.
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I wore an inflatable T. rex costume to the Halloween party.
Four hours, tiny arms, no bean dip. Now I understand his attitude.
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Every year, I enter the office costume contest dressed as Employee of the Month.
And every year, someone asks what I’m supposed to be.
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Our company canceled the office costume contest to boost productivity.
So now we just come to work dressed as people who care.
Decorations, pumpkins and neighbor jokes (11)
For the guy on your street whose fog machine is visible from space.
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Our HOA sent me a letter demanding I take down my creepy Halloween decorations.
It’s March. That’s just my yard.
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My neighbor ran his Halloween fog machine all night long.
The airport rerouted three flights.
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I carved a jack-o’-lantern for the first time in years.
It looks exactly like my driver’s license photo.
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Every year I scoop out the pumpkin seeds and announce I’m going to roast them.
They’re in the fridge, next to last year’s.
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My neighbor put up his Halloween decorations on Labor Day.
By October 31st, the cobwebs were real.
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The pumpkin patch charged $15 to park, $20 for the hayride and $40 for one pumpkin.
Turns out the farm’s real crop is people like me.
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My neighbor’s Halloween display has a 12-foot skeleton, three fog machines and a screaming coffin.
The electric company sends him a fruit basket every November.
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Our fake tombstone in the front yard says “Here Lies Frank.” Frank is my husband.
Three neighbors brought casseroles. Now he wants to leave it up all year.
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I set a skeleton in a lawn chair on our front porch for Halloween.
Three neighbors waved at it. One asked how I’ve been feeling.
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Every October I haul eleven bins of Halloween decorations down from the attic.
I put out one pumpkin, then lie down.
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More and more parents follow their trick-or-treaters around carrying a travel mug.
They all say it’s hot cocoa. Nobody on this street believes them.
Horror movie and haunted house jokes (10)
Scary movies and haunted hayrides, as seen by people with bad knees.
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In horror movies, someone hears a noise in the basement and goes down to check.
At my age, I hear a noise and assume it’s my knee.
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On the haunted hayride, a zombie jumped out and grabbed my ankle.
While he was down there, I asked him to crack my lower back.
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Horror movie families wander around in the dark with every light in the house switched off.
Somewhere, my dad is very proud of them.
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In the horror movie, a family moves into a huge, gorgeous old house for next to nothing.
Honestly, a five-bedroom at that price was the least believable part.
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Halfway through the haunted house, I screamed and grabbed the person next to me.
Total stranger. We’re having brunch on Sunday.
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In horror movies, the scariest call is the one coming from inside the house.
At my house, that’s just my husband texting from the couch for chips.
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My husband swore haunted houses don’t scare him one bit.
Then a clown popped out, and he found an exit the building didn’t have.
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I paid $40 to wander through a dark maze while screaming strangers chased me.
IKEA does that for free, and they throw in meatballs.
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After every horror movie, I check behind the shower curtain before bed.
No idea what my plan is if someone’s there. Probably offer him a towel.
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The horror movie killer never runs, yet he always catches up.
My student loans used the exact same strategy.