50 Funny Wife Jokes
Affectionate wife jokes for husbands who know who’s really in charge.
These wife jokes are written by people who want to stay married, so they rib with love. Send one to your wife and see if she laughs. She will. Mostly.
She’s always one step ahead (20)
Wives who win every round with one perfectly timed line.
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I told my wife she should learn to embrace her mistakes.
She walked over and hugged me.
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My wife has the worst memory of anyone I’ve ever met.
She remembers everything.
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Skunked again, Dale asked the guy at the fish counter to toss him four trout so he could honestly say he caught them.
“Better make it salmon. Your wife came by and said you’d want salmon.”
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My wife asked if I wanted a big party for my 50th. I asked who’d even come.
She said, “That’s why I’m asking.”
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Someone at the clubhouse asked my buddy Dave what his handicap is.
His wife answered for him: “Arithmetic.”
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My doctor said I need to get more rest.
My wife said, “From what?”
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My wife says I golf every day. I told her the doctor wants me walking more.
She said, “You take a cart.”
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I told my wife, who’s a lawyer, all about my fantasy football draft.
She said, “Objection. Relevance.”
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My wife asked, “If you had to choose, me or coffee?”
Apparently “Can I think about it?” was the wrong answer.
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For our anniversary, I asked my wife what she wanted. She said, “Surprise me.”
So this year, I remembered it.
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My wife asked why I need fourteen fishing rods. I explained that each one has a different purpose.
She asked which one was for catching fish.
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My wife never tells me where to turn.
She tells me where I should have turned.
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My wife can say “fine” about eleven different ways.
Only one of them means fine, and I’ve never heard it.
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My wife asks what I’m thinking about, and I always say, “Nothing.”
She never believes me. It’s my one true talent.
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My wife texted me at work: “We need to talk.”
Four minutes later: “About dinner.” By then I’d confessed to three things.
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My dog completely ignores me. He only listens to my wife.
So do I. The difference is, he gets treats for it.
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This year I bought my wife exactly what she asked for.
Now she’s convinced someone helped me. She wants a name.
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I lied to my wife for two months straight to pull off her surprise birthday party.
It went perfectly. Turns out I’m a great liar. Now she has questions.
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I told my wife golf is cheaper than therapy.
She pointed out that therapy occasionally works.
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Law school taught me to argue convincingly for either side of any issue.
Now I can lose an argument with my wife from both sides.
Happily married life (18)
Affectionate jokes about who really runs the house.
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My wife and I have a system. She makes all the decisions…
…and I make the suggestions she ignores.
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My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
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After forty years of marriage, I still look at my wife the same way I did on our wedding day.
Totally confused.
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My wife asked me to say something that would make her heart race.
So I told her I did our taxes myself this year.
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My wife and I split our walk-in closet right down the middle.
She gets the inside, and I get the doorknob.
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I asked my wife if she was upset with me. She said, “I’m fine.”
So I cleaned the garage. Twice.
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My wife has a sixth sense.
The second I sit down, she remembers something in the attic.
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My wife came into the den and said, “You never listen to me!”
Which I thought was a weird way to start a conversation.
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My wife hid all my snacks so I’d start eating healthier.
Joke’s on her. I’ve never found anything in this house.
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My wife says it’s time I finally got in shape.
I reminded her that round is a shape.
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I haven’t said a single word to my wife in eighteen months.
I don’t like to interrupt her.
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My wife keeps the thermostat at 64, then wears my sweatshirt all winter.
I’m paying for the heat and the sweatshirt, and I have neither.
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When my wife asks if I can help her “for two seconds,”
I know I’ll be holding one end of a couch until dark.
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Without my reading glasses, I hold the menu farther and farther away.
Last night my wife had to hold it from the parking lot.
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I’ve gotten so good at napping since I retired, I can do it with my eyes open.
My wife calls it “listening.”
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On our first date, my wife said she loved fishing, football and getting up early.
Thirty years later, the only true word in that sentence was “and.”
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I finally took my wife fishing. She asked a hundred questions and held the rod upside down.
Final score: Wife 11, Me 0. She’s banned for life.
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I named my boat “Therapy” so I can honestly tell my wife I’m going to therapy.
Now she tells people I’ve been in therapy nine years and it isn’t working.
Anniversaries, birthdays and trips (12)
Gifts, packing and special occasions with the woman in charge.
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My wife told me not to get her anything for her birthday, so I didn’t.
Turns out that was a test. The makeup exam involves jewelry.
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday
is to forget it exactly once.
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My wife promised she’d pack light for our weekend trip.
She did. Only one suitcase is shoes.
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My wife said she’d be ready to leave for dinner in five minutes.
I’ve since grown a beard.
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Every couples costume takes a little compromise.
So she’s Wonder Woman, and I’m the guy holding her purse.
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My wife says I love fishing more than I love her.
That hurt. We’ve been married twenty-two seasons.
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My wife has us cleaning for Thanksgiving like the family’s coming to buy the house.
I just vacuumed the inside of the dryer.
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I forgot our anniversary again this year.
In my defense, it’s on the exact same day every year.
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My wife says I remember every shot of every round, but I can’t remember our anniversary.
Not true. I three-putted 18 on our anniversary. Haunts me to this day.
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My wife insisted on putting all 50 candles on my birthday cake.
By the time she lit the last one, I was 51.
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For my 40th birthday, my wife bought me a gym membership. For her 40th, I bought her one too.
Turns out it’s only a thoughtful gift in one direction.
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My wife asked if I ever think about the one that got away.
She meant an old girlfriend. I’d already spent forty minutes describing a largemouth.