32 Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes for Adults
Clean Valentine’s Day jokes for couples, singles and work: reservations, roses, chocolate and cards.
Funny Valentine’s Day jokes for adults who’ve been together long enough to skip the fancy dinner. Clean jokes for couples, singles and coworkers, short enough for a card and sweet enough to share.
Over-the-top Valentine’s gesture jokes (5)
Flash mobs, skywriters and 500 balloons that make everyone else’s husband look bad.
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My coworker proposed on Valentine’s Day with a flash mob, a mariachi band and a hot-air balloon.
She said yes, mostly so they’d stop.
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My brother-in-law hired a skywriter to spell out “I LOVE YOU” for his wife on Valentine’s Day.
Ten minutes later, the wind changed it to “I LOVE LOU.” Lou was thrilled.
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Valentine’s night, the restaurant crammed the tables so close together…
when the guy next to me proposed, I almost said yes.
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My neighbor filled his wife’s car with 500 red balloons for Valentine’s Day.
Now my wife keeps peeking into my car. It’s jumper cables and a sandwich.
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Our neighbors renew their wedding vows every single Valentine’s Day.
Same guests every year. Brand-new gift registry every time.
Valentine’s Day jokes for married couples (12)
Decades in, romance looks like decaf, oatmeal and a card that just says “Ditto.”
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Every Valentine’s Day, my husband tells me I’m still the most beautiful woman in the room.
Which is sweet, but we’re usually alone in the garage.
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My husband says Valentine’s Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies.
He only says this around 6 p.m. on February 14th.
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I asked my grandma how she and Grandpa have kept the romance alive for sixty years.
“We have never once tried to hang wallpaper together.”
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On our first Valentine’s Day, he brought me champagne and strawberries in bed.
This year: decaf, oatmeal and my blood pressure pills. Honestly? More romantic.
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One Valentine’s Day, my husband gave me a homemade coupon book: “Good for one free foot rub.”
I finally tried to use one. He says it’s blacked out on weekends and holidays.
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My husband and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. We say every day is Valentine’s Day.
Which is a sweet way of saying no day is.
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A magazine said couples should recreate their first date on Valentine’s Day.
So my wife spent the whole evening pretending to laugh at my jokes again.
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After thirty years, my wife and I have streamlined our Valentine’s cards.
I write, “Same as last year.” She writes, “Ditto.”
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After 28 years, my husband still opens the car door for me.
The outside handle’s been broken for years.
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After 25 years of marriage, my husband still gives me butterflies.
Mostly when he says, “I’ll just fix it myself.”
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I forgot Valentine’s Day one year, early in our marriage.
Now my mother-in-law calls every February 10th, just to “say hi.”
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On our first Valentine’s Day, we stayed up until 2 a.m. talking.
Now we make it to about 9:30. Mostly talking about the gutters.
Flowers, cards and dinner reservation jokes (7)
For anyone who tried booking a table on February 13th and got laughed at.
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On February 13th, the only Valentine’s card left at the drugstore was a sympathy card.
My wife says it’s the most honest card I’ve ever given her.
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My husband asked the florist which flowers say “I’m sorry.” She asked what he’d done.
“Nothing yet. It’s only 10 a.m.”
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I called our favorite restaurant on February 13th to make a Valentine’s dinner reservation.
The hostess laughed so hard, she put me on hold to tell the kitchen.
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A dozen roses costs about fifteen bucks in March.
On February 14th, the same dozen needs a co-signer.
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The florist quoted me $150 for a dozen red roses. I asked what $25 would get me.
“One rose and a really good explanation.”
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I’m single, so on Valentine’s Day I take myself out to a nice dinner.
Great date. Laughed at all my jokes and didn’t touch my fries.
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My husband said, “Let’s skip the fancy dinner and keep it simple this year.”
So we hit the drive-thru. He held my hand at the second window.
Chocolate and candy jokes (8)
The box map, the mystery coconut and chocolates bought on February 15th.
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My grandma’s been single for fifteen years and says Valentine’s Day has never been better.
Four widowers at the senior center send her chocolates. None know about the others.
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I made heart-shaped pancakes for our Valentine’s breakfast.
My husband asked why I’d made pancakes shaped like teeth.
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My husband tried to make a heart-shaped meatloaf for Valentine’s Day.
It came out anatomically correct.
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My wife and I agreed we’re not doing Valentine’s gifts this year.
At 8 p.m., we bumped into each other in the candy aisle.
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Every year, my husband studies the map in the chocolate box like he’s defusing a bomb.
Then he picks the orange cream anyway and acts betrayed.
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Every box of Valentine’s chocolates has one piece nobody in our house will eat.
We just move it to the new box. Same coconut since 1998.
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Every February, the stores sell heart-shaped pizza, heart-shaped waffles, heart-shaped doughnuts.
My cardiologist says that might be the whole problem.
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My husband buys my Valentine’s chocolates on February 15th.
He says true love doesn’t need a date. It needs a clearance sticker.