42 Funny Cat Jokes for Adults
Cat jokes for adults: 3 a.m. zoomies, knocked-over mugs and who really owns the house.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. These cat jokes are for everyone who has ever been ignored, judged and woken up at 4 a.m. by a creature that weighs nine pounds.
Cat attitude jokes (20)
For anyone whose cat runs the house and lets them pay the mortgage.
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My cat ignores me for 23 hours a day.
Then I spend two minutes in the bathroom and she files a missing-persons report.
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I got up from my recliner for ten seconds to grab the remote.
Came back to find it under new management.
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My cat walked across my laptop and bought something online.
Forty pounds of tuna, express shipping. Best purchase anybody here has made all year.
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Every hair tie I’ve ever owned has vanished under the fridge.
My cat runs a small but very organized black market.
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My sister says I’m turning into a crazy cat lady just because I have three cats.
Ridiculous. Crazy starts at four. Five if they’re small.
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My dog thinks I’m the greatest person who ever lived.
My cat says that’s exactly why nobody should trust his judgment.
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We had six friends over, and our cat ignored every one of them except Dave.
Dave is allergic. And terrified of cats. She knew.
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We named our cat Princess.
She took it as a job description.
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I’ve been training my cat for three years.
So far she’s taught me to sit, stay, and open cans on command.
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My cat rolled over and showed me her soft, fuzzy belly.
Every cat owner knows that’s not an invitation. It’s a trap with fur.
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When the dog chewed up one shoe, he looked guilty for a week.
The cat shredded the couch and asked what’s for dinner.
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I went away for the weekend and left my cat with a sitter.
The sitter says she was an angel. I’ve never felt so betrayed.
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My cat walked across my keyboard and emailed my boss “jjjjjjj;;;;;kkkk.”
He replied, “Great insights. Let’s discuss Monday.”
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My cat uses her new scratching post every single day.
As a landmark. So she can find the couch.
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The insurance agent asked if we own anything fragile.
I said, “Not since we got the cat.”
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I used the spray-bottle trick to keep my cat off the kitchen counter.
It didn’t stop her. It just taught her not to get caught.
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I updated my will to leave everything to my cat.
She seemed confused. She assumed it was already hers.
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My cat has her own system for tidying up the house.
If it doesn’t spark joy, it goes on the floor.
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I got home after two weeks away, and my cat barely looked up.
She greeted me like a coworker she’d hoped had quit.
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My cat sits in the front window all day, watching the street and taking mental notes.
Pretty sure she’s the one sending our HOA violation letters.
Cat sleep and 3 a.m. jokes (9)
Dawn face taps, midnight zoomies and naps only on the black pants.
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My cat has no idea what Daylight Saving Time is.
She just knows breakfast is an hour late and somebody’s getting fired.
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At 5 a.m., my cat wakes me by gently tapping my face.
At 5:02, my phone goes off the nightstand. She’s watching to see if I learned.
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Every night at 3 a.m., my cat races through the house, howls at a wall, then freezes.
I’m not saying the house is haunted, but she’s clearly on their side.
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My cat only naps on clean laundry, and only on the black pants.
She’s not shedding. She’s autographing.
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Whenever I sit down to read the newspaper, my cat lies down right on the article.
She’s not being affectionate. She’s editing.
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My cat sleeps sixteen hours a day.
She spends the other eight making sure I don’t.
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At 6 a.m., my cat put one paw on my water glass and stared straight at me.
Her terms were clear: breakfast, or the glass gets it.
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I bought an automatic feeder so my cat would stop waking me up at 5 a.m.
Now she wakes me up at 5 to complain about the feeder.
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My husband and I upgraded to a king-size bed so we’d finally have more room.
Now the cat sleeps sideways across the middle, and we each get a ledge.
Cat food, treats and vet jokes (13)
The pricey cat bed loses to the box, and the scale is a snitch.
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I hid my cat’s pill inside a piece of chicken.
She ate the chicken and left the pill on my pillow. Neatly.
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My cat keeps leaving dead bugs on my pillow. Experts say she thinks I can’t feed myself.
She’s seen inside my fridge. She has a point.
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My cat can’t hear her own name from six feet away.
She can hear a can of tuna open from the next county.
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It took me forty minutes to get my cat into the carrier for her vet appointment.
At the vet, it took two techs to get her back out.
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My cat refuses to drink from her $60 water fountain.
She only drinks from my glass. Ideally while I’m still holding it.
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At home, my cat is a furry little tornado. At the vet, she’s a perfect lady.
The vet thinks I’m lying. The cat thinks that’s hilarious.
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The vet asked if I’ve been sneaking my cat extra treats. I said absolutely not.
The scale said nineteen pounds. The scale’s a snitch.
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I spent $180 on an orthopedic memory-foam bed for my cat.
She loves the box it came in.
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My cat ate the same food for two years, so I bought a case of 48 cans.
She took one sniff and declared it poison.
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My cat woke me at 4 a.m., yowling like she hadn’t eaten in a week.
Her bowl was full, except one tiny spot where she could see the bottom.
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At the vet, my cat let out a howl I’ve never heard from a living creature.
Then I saw the bill and made the exact same sound.
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My cat can fold herself into a tissue box.
Try putting her in a carrier, and she’s suddenly a furious starfish.
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The vet put my cat on a strict diet, but she hasn’t lost a single ounce.
Turns out three neighbors also feed her. One of them calls her Gerald.