39 Funny Dog Jokes
Dog jokes for dog lovers: walks, the vet, the couch and who really runs the house.
Dogs bark at nothing, steal your spot on the couch and still make you feel like the best person alive. These dog jokes are for everyone who has ever been walked by their dog.
More specific lists
Funny dog behavior jokes (21)
Hero welcomes after taking out the trash, and a sworn feud with the mailman.
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I came home to garbage all over the kitchen, and my dog immediately turned and stared at the cat.
We don’t have a cat.
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My dog greets me at the door like I’ve been away at sea for three years.
I took out the trash.
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A doorbell rang on a TV show last night, and my dog went absolutely berserk.
He’s been protecting us from sitcom characters for six years.
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My dog sleeps all day, but the second I join a video call for work, he starts barking.
Perfect attendance. Never once on mute.
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My husband and my dog both snore like freight trains.
Only one gets sent to the couch, and it’s not the dog.
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My dog has been staring at me, unblinking, for a solid hour.
Either it’s true love, or it’s 4:59 and dinner’s at five.
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My dog sleeps through thunder, fireworks and the smoke alarm.
Unwrap one cheese slice and he teleports into the kitchen.
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My dog is convinced he’s a lap dog.
He’s 90 pounds. I haven’t felt my legs since March.
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My dog loves riding with his head out the car window.
He’s the only one in the family who enjoys my driving.
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My dog has barked at the mailman every day for six years.
He’s convinced it’s the only reason the guy keeps leaving.
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Call a dog, and he comes running.
Call a cat, and it sends you straight to voicemail.
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They say dogs have owners.
Cats have employees, and the benefits are terrible.
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People always ask if my dog is a rescue.
Sure. He rescues sandwiches off the kitchen counter.
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We did one of those DNA tests on our rescue mutt.
40% Lab, 35% shepherd, 25% “Are you sure this is a dog?”
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My dog stood at the window and barked at absolutely nothing for twenty minutes.
Nothing never came back. He’s counting it as a win.
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The groomer gave my dog a fancy haircut and tied a little pink bow on his ear.
He came home and rolled in something dead to restore his reputation.
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Our cat swatted our 80-pound dog on the nose exactly once, back in 2019.
He still asks her permission to use the hallway.
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My dog barked at the mail carrier every day until she started bringing him treats.
Now my head of security is on the take.
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My dog has been chasing the same squirrel around our backyard for seven years.
If he ever catches it, I don’t think either of them has a plan.
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I bought my dog a chew toy labeled “indestructible.”
Turns out that’s not a description. It’s a dare.
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We started an Instagram account for our dog. He has 3,000 followers.
My husband has nine, and four of them are the dog.
Dog training and house rules jokes (9)
The no-dogs-on-the-furniture rule, and how long it lasted.
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When we brought the dog home, we set one firm rule: no dogs on the furniture.
He’s been very gracious about letting us sit on his.
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My dog and I spent six weeks in obedience school.
The trainer pulled me aside: “The dog’s fine. It’s you.”
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Four years of training, and my dog still can’t learn “stay.”
But he spots the turn to the vet from three miles away.
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I took my dog to the dog park so he could make some friends.
He made five. I held a warm bag and discussed the weather.
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We installed a doggy door so the dog could let himself out.
Great news: the raccoon can let himself in, too.
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My dog knows sit, shake, lie down and roll over.
He just refuses to work for free.
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My dog completely ignores me. He only listens to my wife.
So do I. The difference is, he gets treats for it.
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When it rains, my dog will stand in the yard for twenty minutes refusing to pee.
Then he comes inside and handles it on the rug in four seconds.
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I set up a pet camera to see what my dog does while I’m at work.
He sleeps on my pillow all day and jumps down at 5:25 sharp.
Dog food and vet jokes (9)
Free puppies, floor scraps and a dog who ate the TV remote.
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The sign in the neighbor’s yard said “Free Puppies.”
That was $11,000 in vet bills and chewed furniture ago.
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The vet said my dog has to stop eating table scraps.
So now he eats floor scraps. I’ve become remarkably clumsy.
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My dog chewed up my entire tax return.
He’s the first one in this house to get anything out of it.
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My dog turns up his nose at $60 grain-free salmon kibble.
Then eats a napkin he found in a parking lot.
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The vet asked if my dog had eaten anything unusual lately.
I said, “Compared to what? Yesterday he ate a remote.”
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The vet said my dog needs to lose ten pounds.
I said, “Join the club,” and we both had a treat.
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The vet asked how often I brush my dog’s teeth. I said, “About as often as I floss.”
She wrote down “never” twice.
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The vet charged me $1,800 to remove a sock from my dog’s stomach.
He’s already eyeing the other one.
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The new bag of dog food proudly says, “Now with real chicken!”
Which raises some questions about the last six bags.