34 Funny Golf Jokes
Golf jokes for adults: slices, lost balls, creative scorecards and the 19th hole.
Golf is a good walk spoiled, a lost ball found and a scorecard that needs a fact-checker. These golf jokes are for every player who has ever said “just one more bucket.”
Golf lesson and golf pro jokes (5)
When your instructor’s best advice is two weeks off, then quitting.
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My golf pro watched me hit a full bucket of balls and finally said he’d spotted my problem.
“You’re standing too close to the ball. After you hit it.”
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I asked my golf instructor what I should do to improve my game.
“Take two weeks off. Then quit.”
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I asked my golf pro how I could knock ten strokes off my score.
He handed me an eraser.
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I finally cured my slice after twenty years.
Now I hook it into the same pond from the other side.
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My golf pro kept telling me, “Keep your head down.” So I kept my head down.
Neither of us has any idea where that ball went.
Caddie jokes (7)
Brutally honest caddies and the golfers who probably deserved it.
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A golfer grumbles, “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddie: “This isn’t the course, sir. We left that an hour ago.”
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After a brutal round, Frank tells his caddie, “I’ve never played this badly before.”
Caddie: “Oh, you’ve played before?”
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On the 14th hole, a frustrated golfer snaps at his caddie, “You have got to be the worst caddie in the world.”
Caddie: “No, sir. That would be way too much of a coincidence.”
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Gary sizes up the green and asks his caddie, “Think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddie: “Eventually.”
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Jim swore he’d move heaven and earth to break 100.
His caddie said, “Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
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The golfer in front of us asked his caddie, “Why do you keep checking your watch?”
“It’s not a watch, sir. It’s a compass.”
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Bill asked his caddie, “Which club should I use for this shot?”
Caddie: “Whichever one you’d like to throw next.”
Weekend golfer jokes (22)
Lost balls, generous mulligans, golf widows and a handicap called arithmetic.
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Walt keeps losing balls in the pond, so his partner asks, “Why don’t you use an old ball?”
Walt says, “I’ve never had an old ball.”
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A guy tells his golf buddy, “My doctor says I can’t play golf anymore.”
His buddy says, “So he’s played with you too?”
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My buddy came back from the course and said, “I shot a 79 today!”
“Tomorrow I’m going to play the back nine.”
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The course hired a diver to clean out the pond on 7. He pulled up 4,000 balls.
Six hundred had my name on them.
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I quit throwing my clubs when I lose my temper.
It was embarrassing. They were going farther than my drives.
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People always ask me if I play golf in the 70s.
Of course. Any hotter than that and I stay home.
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Ted’s wife told him, “If you play golf one more Saturday, I’m leaving you.”
Ted sighed. “I’m really going to miss her.”
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My buddy told me he got a brand-new set of golf clubs for his wife.
He says it’s the best trade he ever made.
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A rookie on the first tee asked me what to do if he hits it into the woods.
I told him, “Pack a sandwich.”
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Every golfer has one wood in the bag that gets them through the toughest holes.
The pencil.
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Someone at the clubhouse asked my buddy Dave what his handicap is.
His wife answered for him: “Arithmetic.”
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I always rent a golf cart, even on a short course.
It’s the only thing out there I can steer straight.
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Our foursome allows exactly one mulligan per round.
Bob thinks that means one per swing.
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For ten years, I let my boss beat me at golf to protect my career.
Turns out he’d been trying to let me win. We’re both just that bad.
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Hank disappeared into the woods and yelled, “Found my ball! Nice lie, too!”
Odd, since I was standing on it.
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I told my wife golf is cheaper than therapy.
She pointed out that therapy occasionally works.
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My wife says I remember every shot of every round, but I can’t remember our anniversary.
Not true. I three-putted 18 on our anniversary. Haunts me to this day.
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The new golf carts have GPS that shows your distance to the pin.
Mine just kept saying, “Recalculating.”
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I’m the most popular golfer at my club.
Everybody wants me as their opponent. Preferably for money.
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I paid $600 for a new driver guaranteed to add twenty yards.
It did. Twenty yards farther into the parking lot.
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The club I use most doesn’t even have a head.
My ball retriever. It’s seen more water than the Coast Guard.
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My buddy says mulligans are for beginners.
He’s been a beginner for thirty-one years.